Becoming "Mommy"

An observation of a friend prompted today's blog post.  I usually do not go overboard when it comes to political correctness, or PC as my husband and I like to call it. This is a sensitive enough topic, alone, without having to throw in the PC issue.  This friend observed some signs at our church which advertised for our Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPs) group.  The fliers had a who, what, when, where, kind of format and under the who, they stated, "In utero through eighth grade."  

As many of you know, I am an adoptive mother and this bothered me as well as a friend of mine who understands that not all mothers come in the form of biology. I normally would not take offense to something like this, except that the audience the group wishes to attract is ALL mothers-to-be.  

I know many might argue that a "prospective adoptive parent," isn't an "expectant mother," but many of us travel this journey of miles of paperwork and red tape because we have experienced infertility, loss or both to some degree.  I know the itinerary differs dramatically between experiencing a pregnancy and going through an adoption, we adoptive mothers want to FEEL like we are REAL mothers-to-be also.  Many of us have already envisioned that perfect child or baby for our family and already love him or her even before we've had the chance to meet.  

We have bought clothing, decorated a child's room and purchased toys that our new baby would love.  I would even go so far as to say that many adoptive mothers also would love to have a "baby" shower in theirs and their child-to-be's honor.  A good friend and my former hairdresser hosted an "adoption," shower for me and instead of playing the pregnancy themed games, we passed around photos of our daughter (this was between trips where we'd met her, but were waiting on a court date).  We shared stories about meeting her and visiting the baby home in Vladivostok, Russia, where our baby was born.

Just as the journey of adoption and pregnancy differs, there are many similarities.  There is no guarantee that a pregnancy, like an adoption, will go as planned.  There are miscarriages and failed adoptions. Adoptions have their fair share of waiting periods and women who grow their families through pregnancy wait weeks for to hear the heartbeat, see the baby grow on ultrasound or find out the baby's gender. In the end, we all become mothers, albeit through days of travel or hours of childbirth.

I must add that I know the wording was not intentional on those signs, but it prompted emotions in both my friend and I that surprised me because I thought I was over the fact that I will never have the same experience becoming a mother as many of my friends.  We adopted our daughter when she was two years old and I often feel like I have missed out on so much of her life.  Parenting is also different for us in many ways as many of the techniques bio moms use may not work for our adopted children who have experienced some degree of loss.  They may not remember the loss or the trauma, but they often come with deep wounds or questions about their backgrounds.  Just as bio babies grow up and want to know their birth story, adopted children grow up and want to know how they ended up with their parents.

As ALL TYPES of mothers, we should be able to come together and accept that though our journeys may differ, there are commonalities they share.  It is about respecting the others' right to be recognized as a REAL, BONAFIDE mother.  Whether our children are newborns, toddlers or teens when we bring them home, we are all mommies. We all love them as if they came from our bodies, even if they didn't.  The intensity of emotions felt when adopting versus experiencing pregnancy is probably very similar.  This is not to say the emotions are THE SAME. Biblically speaking, Psalm 139 speaks of the Lord knitting a baby together in the mother's womb which applies to pregnancy. Just as Moses was adopted and a family was created, he is still seen as their son.  Joseph also "adopted," Jesus as his son when he became Mary's husband.  

Whether our children look like us or are of a completely different race or culture, we are all MOTHERS, right?  MOPS is about mothers coming together and this year's theme, "A Beautiful Mess," says what I am trying to say in three words: that a mother is a mommy whether she became one through childbirth or adoption. We should respect each other's odyssey to motherhood, no matter how it happened.